LORINC: I come to bury the Gardiner, not to praise it

Based on the speech by character Mark Antony in “Julius Caesar” by William Shakespeare.

Friends, Torontonians, 905ers, lend me your cars;
I come to bury the Gardiner, not to praise it;
The traffic that men cause lives after them,
The smog is oft interred with their bones,
So let it be with the Gardiner … The noble Tory
Hath told you, Gardiner was congested:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Gardiner answered it …
Here, under leave of Tory and the rest,
(For Tory is an honourable man;
So are they all; all honourable men and women)
Come I to speak at Gardiner’s funeral …
It was my road, faithful and fast, for me:
But Tory says it was congested;
And Tory is an honourable man….
It hath brought many suburbanites from home to work,
Whose salaries did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Gardiner seem ambitious?
Yet when the commuters did commute, Gardiner hath crumbled:
Highways should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Tory says it was congested;
And Tory is an honourable man.
You all did see that on the DVP
I thrice presented him a special HOV lane,
Which it did thrice refuse: was this congestion?
Yet Tory says it was congested;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.
I speak not to disprove what Tory spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did drive it once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then to mourn for it?
O judgement! thou art fled to leftist beasts,
And men have lost their reason…. Bear with me;
My heart is on the boulevard instead of the Gardiner,
And I must pause till it come back to me.